i have really tried to take the time this week to acknowledge several things that seem to be going on internally for some time. i think that posting them makes me somewhat accountable to my thoughts

1. i am very busy with lots of obligations that keep me going
1.5 it is long overdue to pay reverence to that concept

2. i have been taking more time lately for me. instead of running from things, i have begun walking towards them and warmly embracing these things as my friends.

3. to be awake and aware is a special gift that cannot be wasted or ignored or even longed for

is there anything more dreadful than an obligation to be obligated to something and you have no idea why you are even obligated in the first place anymore, or alternatively, you can barely even remember what it felt like when you initially obligated? thats how i feel right about now and have been for about 10 days or so.

morose i dont think is really fitting here, but something close to the 'feeling' of moroseness without being too damned pretentious about the whole damn thing.

inside the whirlwind
the eye is quiet
yet it seems loud

the noise
is
cluttering
and
fucking up the whole damned
listening part

anyway, so thats how im feeling about now... like im inside the epicenter of the whirlwind, if there even is such a place, and everywhere i go i am kind of like pigpen with his dustcloud except mine is not just a clould of dirt, although it might as well be... im not even sure if semantics is really what it is at this point, but it is rather getting to be a pain in the ass.

mutation

radiation

what choo gonna do? about your ass?

talking about... nuclear war

maybe sun ra had it right, and maybe im just looking for answers that i think are somewhere else besides right at my feet. i think ive seen this movie before and possibly starred in it.

finally the obligation to write has been met with enthusiasm rather than with scorn. i promise that i am trying to write more but that other part of me always seems to say... later... so im always a bit torn about how much writing i am doing.

im sitting on the back patio with some xmas lights up at twilight. ive got a beautiful breezy sunset in paradise. i hope that the perfectness of this moment is like a permabuzz that grinds me all day.

and so there it is... i guess there is always this search for that special something that makes you feel like you are you 'best self' and too often we are staring at it right in the face and mistake it for a fisherman or a piece of a allegorical innuendo.

was it for this my life i sought?

maybe so, maybe not

either way... it is good to be somewhat familiar with myself again after a brief period where i seemed to be disaquanted for a while. Not totally detached or anything, but just kind of out of touch with *acting* as my best self when i probably am very capable... but habit is a real bitch when you let it dictate your bus and you forget that you are the driver... so slowly i wake up from time to time and say...'hey... i am driving this damn thing' and ... so maybe i should just put some energy into whatever i think makes me happy and feel like my best self the most and just ride that wave and see how it feels. so much of my life seems to be on autopilot without really conciously thinking and really examining the choices i am making on a daily or a moment by moment basis. my hope is that later when i have a really different view i can read this and decipher exactly how unreasonable things seem to be and how i believed that they were 'real' and that this whole thing just kind of rules my overall model.... the truth is i really dont know what the fuck i am saying... this has become a free write and i hope somewhere in here i can find whatever it is that i seem to be looking for on the outside of this webpage.

the distance between yesterday and today seems a bit faint while the distance between two days ago and today seem like light years apart. the distance traversed between two moments in the last five minutes seems like crossing a great crevase (or is it crevasse?) across a glacier. in fact, it is hard to even remember what motivated me to write before all of the grand distractions of the universe happened.

each day that i am given the gift of experience, i hope not to squander it on impefection or disconnection. i must remind myself that i am able to cultivate some wonderful things but i must carefully attend to the garden that i have been given