this morning i get to go under anasthesia for a follow up look down my stomach. im kind of looking forward to that post anasthestic feeling ... last time i woke up to hear neil young's down by the river gushing out of my ears although my wife assured me that no such music was playing.

besides getting some potential answers about my stomach issues... the idea that im embracing is that the wake up period allows me to kind of 'start over' or restart if you will... and i hope to take full advantage of the opportunity. my real desire is just to have a new beginning to improve myself. i feel like im so totally out of sync with what i can possibly become and i just need a jump start to get going in the right direction

i finally have some vacation time to kind of get away from the daily grind. other than teaching at the college a few evenings this week, i have no daily work responsiblities all week. that means total chill mode and i think it has come at the right time.

im trying to just sit back a bit and enjoy it all while maximizing the good things that are going on in my life. today im really looking forward to seeing my son's basketball game and getting some exercise in. the less that i worry about the universe, the smaller my problems seem to get

its amazing how easy it is to spot the deficiencies in myself. often times i find myself so very far from where i think i should be and i guess in a way if i should really be somewhere else then i would be there. i find it just plain old silly sometimes how much i chronically am chronically stuck in the mud and wondering how the fuck i got here.

it really is all relative cause when the sun is shining you could be thinking 'oh wow... this is truly a gift of a day' or you could be sulking in the corner wondering 'why me...poor me.'

it is in one of these moments where i can conciously become aware of my self destructive behavior and yet i am doomed to repeat it like a broken record. when i feel down down down there is just no end to the poor choices or the meta analysis of the poor choices that i seem to make.

that old familiar black fuzzy cloud has crept back in again and it seemingly has kept me from my best self. it is almost at times like i feel i have to go down to the depths of despair in order to pull it all out again and tell myself that its all really all right. and i guess it is in the larger sense, especially with all of the mindless and souless activity that i see out there in the world. but there is also the wonderful reminder of the gentle kiss of my daughter, or the way my son's eyes shine when he is having that special moment with me as he tells me about his ball game. my wife always seems to sense these epsiodes and really is good about giving me the space that i think i need to just go thru it all. in short, even when the sky is about to fall and crumble into a billion pieces, optimism always seems to lurk around every corner.

so ive still heard nothing about the jobs ive applied for. nada. zip. and neither has my wife which has made things just downright fucking creepy. it just totally wierds me out that peeps just cant fucking make a decision and tell you one way or another. but maybe there are forces going on that i dont even know about. it is really easy to jump to conclusions when you have an emotional investment in the outcome.

and to be honest, perception seems to be at the wheel of the bus these days. judgment #498 here i come....so what do i need to do to get myself back on track and away from the fuzzy green ball of light that is the dark cloud of depression.

i truly enjoy exercising first thing in the morning. yesterday i had to sit around and wait for the cable guy and didnt get to do my thing until later and it really fucked me up. this am i was able to get out early and hike along a really terrific spot on the beach at the state park. the tide was low and i was able to walk on the creek side of the dunes only getting my foot wet from time to time. it was beautiful calm and serene out there and i truly loved it.

im still trying to be patient and i guess i am being patient for the good things that are coming my way. it has been nearly 2 weeks since i submitted the apps for the jobs im interested in and i think that maybe this week i will hear something either way. this friday im heading out to see a kickass show - the heavy pets and the bendy pastorius group at the culture room. this week should be a good one as i have testing in the public school during the early part of the week, and then friday is a workday which probably means sign in and out and get some good biking or hiking in somewhere. the following week is a short week as friday is the first day of a 10 day spring break. im stoked and ready for a good time

on march 31, the first monday of the break i need to go back and have another endoscopy. they are putting me under and i kind of look forward to that suspended state of animation. last time when i woke up i could hear neil young's 'down by the river' gushing out of my ears. i also swore that i could hear the doctor talking saying 'lets do this before he wakes up' and actually 'felt' or rather 'observed' from an out of body perspective the entire procedure. the only downer was that my brain felt a little fuzzy for a few days and i could not remember how to set the alarm inside the house... it was kinda weird but ok.

so writing again has been very liberating and i always wonder why i dont do it more. its kind of like confessional that nobody cares about but me and im glad the words and forum are here to serve as a good reminder about where my head is at. i think over the last 20 years, lots of things have changed since i started writing off and on but mostly nothing has really changed when it comes down to some of my core issues; achievement and self worth/self loathing. i think ive just come to deal with these things better.

in good news, my kids appear to be doing great and are healthy. my wife and i seem to be getting along alright and i just hope the good vibe continues

sometimes a few days of rest make all the difference... that and exercise. i have gotten back on the 'pony' so to speak this week with a combo of both running a bit, biking a bit and doing some weights. today is a 'cough cough' sick day and it feels really good just to have the day to do some things that i want.

when i wrote earlier about change... im waiting to hear about a couple of jobs that ive applied for. i realize that over the past 10 years that i have probably put way too much emphasis on thinking that something was actually going to happen but lately with the way things have been going at the college i really thought that this time it was going to be 'it.' its been 10 days since the app window has closed and ive heard nothing - nada... so now im wondering if again i have put all of my emotional eggs into one basket and just waiting for the other shoe to drop. on the other hand, im still somewhat optimistic that perhaps something good might come out of it all.

in the bigger scheme of things, its all good really. my kids are healthy and my universe isnt crumbling at this moment. i seem to have a good set of supportive friends who are more than willing to call me on my shit and im super fortunate to have an electricfying wife. sometimes too electricfying but its all good really.

so... why do i seem to be waiting for the depression to slowly creep back in... i can sense that it is just around the corner kinda waiting for me with a big bully stick in it's hand and im kinda leery of feeling too good but i do feel pretty good overall.

so here i am with a little bit of hope in my back pocket and some very good vibage going into the weekend

its a very odd saturday morning and again i didnt sleeep all that well. i went to sleep about 9ish or so and woke up at 1, stayed up for an hour and slept again til 5. a big storm was rolling in and my stomach was bothering me. i guess my stomach was on my mind and i need to get my stomach scoped again as ive waited too long to do it. i feel as though i am on the cusp of some really good change in my life and am just in a wait and see mode