finally the obligation to write has been met with enthusiasm rather than with scorn. i promise that i am trying to write more but that other part of me always seems to say... later... so im always a bit torn about how much writing i am doing.

im sitting on the back patio with some xmas lights up at twilight. ive got a beautiful breezy sunset in paradise. i hope that the perfectness of this moment is like a permabuzz that grinds me all day.

and so there it is... i guess there is always this search for that special something that makes you feel like you are you 'best self' and too often we are staring at it right in the face and mistake it for a fisherman or a piece of a allegorical innuendo.

was it for this my life i sought?

maybe so, maybe not

either way... it is good to be somewhat familiar with myself again after a brief period where i seemed to be disaquanted for a while. Not totally detached or anything, but just kind of out of touch with *acting* as my best self when i probably am very capable... but habit is a real bitch when you let it dictate your bus and you forget that you are the driver... so slowly i wake up from time to time and say...'hey... i am driving this damn thing' and ... so maybe i should just put some energy into whatever i think makes me happy and feel like my best self the most and just ride that wave and see how it feels. so much of my life seems to be on autopilot without really conciously thinking and really examining the choices i am making on a daily or a moment by moment basis. my hope is that later when i have a really different view i can read this and decipher exactly how unreasonable things seem to be and how i believed that they were 'real' and that this whole thing just kind of rules my overall model.... the truth is i really dont know what the fuck i am saying... this has become a free write and i hope somewhere in here i can find whatever it is that i seem to be looking for on the outside of this webpage.